Yesterday…
John spoke to me and I had butterflies in my tummy
I think I love him
I saw Cherry and I felt my heart leap
I think I love her
Today…
Tuned spoke so well today at my party, and his gift was second to none
I think I love him
Lola cooked me an awesome meal today
I can’t stop thinking about her
I think I love her
So it happens that from the time we begin to get attracted to the opposite sex, till we are ready to get settled in marriage, we keep coming across people who stir up these feelings in us, and from our teens to adulthood, there are a number of them that have shown up at various points. In primary 5, you liked Aisha, she was your best friend, in JSS 3, you loved Nkem and you dated her, in SS 3, you loved Lola and you dated her, and now in year 2, you love cherry and you are dating her. What happens when you meet Ngozi in final year and Oke in your work place, then Chichi after your marriage to Boma? Do you think it would stop then? NO! Why? Because it isn’t about the age or level of accomplishment. It is about maturity. Maturity is most evident in the way we handle emotions (feelings). When you are mature, you don’t let your feelings dictate your actions rather you control and manage them in order to get the necessary result. When you are mature, you choose based on intellectual and spiritual balance. When the feelings come, they should be weighed against your values and standards, by everything that is sensible and godly.
90% of the time, we attribute certain kinds of feelings to the workings of love and I’m left with the question; what happens when our feelings change? Feelings certainly do change; emotions may be regulated by the present happenings around us. So what is the yardstick? How can we tell which feeling or person to seriously consider? Well, I may not be able to tell you the right time to settle down or the right person to settle for or how many you should date before you settle, but I can tell you that feelings and love are not the same. You could have feelings for someone (some form of emotional attachment based on lust, infatuation, pity etc) and not love them, but you cannot love someone without having feelings for them. Feelings are controlled by present circumstances but love is controlled by will and preserved by values. That means love is a choice. When you love, you can always build the feelings but when it’s just feelings, it will change some day except it is stepped up to the ‘level’ of love.
In most human relationships, the feelings usually come first but only love can sustain those feelings even when initial attractions are all gone by reason of unforeseen circumstances like deformation of physique by accidents, bad character, negative habits or inherited traits and the foreseen circumstances like aging(in the case of the married).
Speaking to young people now; the picture of love we have is most likely turned upside down or totally in disarray considering the many ways we define it ranging from feelings to money, beauty, gifts etc. but let me tell you this: he can buy you an iphone and still not love you, she can sleep with you and still not love you. So except the interest of fooling around and messing yourself up is mutual, you shouldn’t fall for those. Love is way more sensible and deeper than any of those.
Dear gentle man and pretty lady, as we go on this series of “Defining Love”, I would like you to understand that erotic feelings and expressions should never be confused for love. While romantic trills will fail some day, love never dies. It is there, good or bad, favorable or not, pleasurable or not because it has a base deeper than emotions - Choice. What determines when you get hooked and whom you get hooked to, is the choice you make, based on your values and good sense gathered over time. Over time, meaning, there is need to take your time to know and understand the values you would rather represent instead of just delving into something you know too little about. Seek first to understand love, only then can you say “I love you” and mean it.
What do you value? Opinion of peers? Cute faces? Emotional satisfaction? Immediate gratification? Self satisfaction?
Let this question be a scale by which you weigh your priorities.
Ecclesiastes 10:10b
By Fidelia Ben-Udi
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